The dust has settled and it’s time to brush ourselves off, assess the damage and move on. The "move on" part is definitely the most difficult. We pretty much just had our whole world tipped up on its head and the effects were dizzying. But we found our bearings and solid ground in the form of talking to other foster parents.
At first we had kept so much of what was going on within our family and good friends, but as we shared our story we learned that we were not alone. It was starting to feel as though being charged with a 51A was a rite of passage. As Sue Carter put it, “We have these children in our custody for many reasons, but one main reason is that their parents are, for lack of a better word, nuts! The only control they can exert is to accuse the foster families of messing up.” She added, “Sometimes, I’ve had bio-parents of children who have been neglected get angry if their child showed up for a visit with a speck of dirt under their fingernails. Furthermore, if you haven’t been accused of something, you just haven’t been doing this long enough.”
I’m not sure if learning this made me feel better or worse. At the very least, I knew that we weren’t alone and that there were other foster parents who had moved on from an unsupported charge and, had continued to foster. In Sue’s case, that would mean about 25 or so more years, a few adoptions and many, many children…all without one more 51A. So, there was hope. The question was, “Did we want to continue on with DCF?” “Did we want to take another chance?” Or, “Did we want to wash our hands of this all together and never look back?”
For those of you who know me, you know that I never back down from a challenge. I don’t mean the “I dare you to” type of ridiculous challenge, I mean the difficult type. And especially those, “you can’t do that”, type of challenges. I’ll do it, if only just to prove you wrong. Ask the Honors Spanish teacher who told me that I wouldn’t do well in her class? Or the Honors Chemistry teacher who said the workload would be too much for me. I did have to work twice as hard to keep up, but I did and I received the most glowing college recommendation letters from the both of them. I love a challenge, I can’t think of anything that was easy to do that gave me that satisfied, accomplished, fully-bellied feeling as I have felt with something that was difficult. And I was feeling that feeling now…that this is that type of challenge. It is difficult, emotional and worthwhile. The feeling of accomplishment that comes from loving a child who needs love, giving them a safe place to rest their head and attending to their most basic needs is one that I can’t even begin to put into words. And I knew that we had to give it one more chance.
I thought I would meet more resistance from Michael; after all, he bore the full weight of the charges. His life would have been even more changed than mine. Yet, he did not say “no” categorically. The more we talked about it, the more we agreed. If we were going to decide on not fostering, it was not going to be because of this. We wanted to end on a high note. And so we were decided. However, we still needed to see what Nolan and William thought about this. We asked them when we began and it was only fitting that we asked them again now. So, one night when we were driving home, we asked them. “Boys, how do you feel about having another foster child coming to live with us?” They both answered yes, but very quickly and simultaneously shouted, “BUT, NO MORE GIRLS!!!” As if we could just invite certain kids to the house, they also added, “What about Patrick; we liked him, can he come to stay with us?”
The next day, I called Maria. She was expecting my call and more than likely ready to say her goodbyes. I told her that we thought long and hard about our decision and that we were going to do what was best for our family. We were going to continue fostering. There was a pause. It was as though she won the lottery, ok, maybe not the lottery, but she was she was surprised and thrilled. I think if I had told her in person, I’m sure I would have been the recipient of a big hug : ) Unbeknownst to her, Michael and I had been joking that they probably wouldn’t ever place any more kids with us anyway…
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